At a Glance: Derek Smart. Just seeing the name brings forth all types of emotions and memories to hardcore gamers across the globe. Dr. Smart is a man so entrenched in controversy that he is unable to accomplish virtually any task without volunteering to submerge it in tomes of ridiculous lawsuits, Internet threats, and a general cesspit of idiocy. He has attempted to sue every single game publisher he has ever entered a contract with. He has threatened to sue people who gave his games poor reviews. One time when he was walking across the street and saw some really noisy birds who were relieving themselves on a bronze statue of famed US Civil War general George Meade, he pursued legal action against the statue and the person responsible for discovering the phenomenon of bird poop. If this extensive legal drama was not enough, and I certainly believe it is, Dr. Smart spends his free time and not-so-free time producing a series of games so abysmally boring and terrible that they were recently classified as terrorist weapons by the Department of Homeland Defense. The number of people who have actually purchased Derek Smart games can be counted on a single hand, and even then you still won't need at least two fingers. Since the wonderful Doctor Smart sees fit to sue websites that give his games a bad write up, I will now attempt to review his latest creation, "Universal Combat," without having ever played or seen the game in any form whatsoever. I fully encourage Dr. Smart to sue me like the hundreds, perhaps millions, of people and companies he has in the past, as my lawyer Leonard "J." Crabs is more than willing to find some clean clothes and defend me in court, just as long as it's within walking distance of a convenience store that sells chili.
