The eminently credible mainstream media was all aflame last Tuesday with reports that a prominent lesbian blogger in Syria had been captured by armed-and-hairy secret police who were none too pleased with her lesbian blogging. It was presumed that at the very least, her hatefully oily captors would administer a lesbian flogging.

Without bothering to so much as toss in a “reportedly” or “allegedly,” places such as CBS News, MSNBC, TIME, the Washington Post, the Huffington Post, and the Guardian posted articles on June 7 claiming that Sapphic Syrian was in the clutches of homophobic Islamist militarists.

After all, her existence had already been established back in April when pint-sized peter-puffer Andrew Sullivan of The Daily Beast spoke glowingly of Amina Arraf, self-described “Gay Girl in Damascus,” and her grandiloquent account of how her glaring father stared down glowering, gay-hating Syrian guards who’d come to grab and/or grapple with her.

Her existence was further confirmed late in May by CNN in an article pondering whether the Arab Spring would possibly be unfair to homos.

The truth seems to be that all these presumably objective news outlets jumped on the Gay Girl in Damascus story because they wanted it to be true. Her phony saga perfectly played to their sympathies: She was a tolerant Muslim gash-licker risking her life so that intolerant Muslims would tolerate her gash-licking, all of it woven into the by-now nauseating Arab Spring buzzwords about democracy and freedom and rights and equality and other such intangibles. And they all gobbled it up as eagerly as she claimed she ate pussy.

I believe that if someone’s comfortable with who they are, they don’t need constant validation and endless hugs, pats, and tummy rubs from people who are different from them.

It’s not the gay part I hate about you, at least when you aren’t obnoxiously litigious about it. It’s your dreary self-image based entirely on self-pity and an obsessive need for victimization that is so acute, many of you feel forced to fabricate unholy acts of persecution against yourselves.

I don’t care what kind of genitals you put in your mouth; the problem is that your mouth tells lies. No law on Earth can force me to tolerate a liar. Get it straight. Or get it gay. I don’t care, as long as you finally get it.